Holding Kieran

So many things have changed since the last update.  Kieran has been on and off the ventilation a few times.  He is currently off and holding his own really well. The reasons for him going on and off of it are 1) when he is doing well for more than 12 hours they like to take him off the ventilation and have him try breathing again on his own.  That way he doesn't forget that he has to or how it feels to fill his lungs up.  2) due to his size he still needs a break after a while from breathing on his own.  When he is on ventilation he is resting, growing and gaining more weight.  Today is his second day of breathing on his own and he is still looking rested and he's definitely comfortable which are signs that he is getting closer to the time that he can stay off it.

Kieran has finally gotten his weight back up he is now over his birth weight at 730 grams.

Last but certainly not least I have finally been able to hold my son. In fact both Corin and I have held him twice each since last weekend.  Attached is a photo taken the first time I held Kieran in my arms.  For me that moment was truly... scary (bet you didn't expect me to say that!!)  Honestly, it was wonderful to hold him, touch him and finally give him a kiss which I have been wanting to do for so long.  Something just to let him know he is loved, wanted cherished and most importantly not alone.  All the things I was so worried he wouldn't know the longer it went without us holding or touching him. Everyone kept telling us that he knows we are there, he knows our voices and trust me I was clinging to that  belief with everything I had because if I didn't I would be a wreck worrying that my son didn't know who his mom is, or that he felt all alone in his fight to beat the odds and stay with us.  So when the moment arrived, and I was to hold him, I was petrified that I would hold him and he would cry or not be comfortable with me.   But as he lay on my chest and we settled into a nice cuddle the moment was perfect!  He was calm, I was calm, and it was as though life was truly exactly as it was meant to be.  That is one of the many lessons i am sure I will learn over this whole ordeal.  I don't know why but I do know that my pregnancy, delivery and now battle for my sons life is exactly as it should be.  We were meant to fight this fight.  Corin and I were meant to have this hurdle to jump, this battle to fight, this mountain to climb, whatever you want to call it, we were meant to face it together and we will win.  We will come out of this together as a family and it is meant to be our fight to win.  Our lesson to learn.  it's a tough lesson but a great one.  You realize what is truly important and what  isn't.  What you should give your attention to and what doesn't deserve your time.  How it's the small things, tiny moments in time that will be my fondest memories.  Like today when Kieran was sleeping and he kept throwing his arms up and wiggling his one foot like he was dancing to whatever he was hearing and having a great time at it.  That moment made Corin and I laugh so much, it was so cute and I will cherish it forever.  Moments like that make all the bad ones and all the fear disappear.  They make this all worth it. 

Kieran's strength, his determination and fight to live reminds me everyday that we all should be like that.  We all should want to fight to have a life that makes us happy.  The root of my happiness lies with two very important and very special men.  Corin and Kieran.  With them we will win this and many other things and we will cry, laugh and love along the way.  Just as it was meant to be!