Great things come in small packages

The one feature of Kieran's that everyone is interested in is his size.  The question that we often get is "exactly how small is a 1.5lb baby".  In response to that question we have taken a few pictures that will put into perspective Kieran's size.  In the pictures below you can see a metal band on Kieran's arm or leg.  That band is Corin's wedding band.  Even though I see Kieran everyday and I know his size I still find it shocking that a man's ring can easily slide on and off his arm or leg.  How can anyone be that small? How can a baby be that small and still everything works just like a term size baby.  He's like the barbie dolls we used to play dress-up with when I was a child.

Better yet how does a baby that small have such attitude?  For that is one thing that Kieran does have is attitude.  Even though he can't verbally tell you what he is thinking or feeling he expresses it with his hands and eyes.  He lets the nurses know when he has had enough or when he wants them to come and keep him company.  When he's fed up with the poking and prodding he gets feisty and I don't mean crying like you would expect him to do.  He starts wrinkling his forehead to express he is upset then his hands start.  He'll put one hand on his hose to pull it out while he swats with the other hand to keep the nurse away.  It was so funny to watch Corin and Kieran's nurse yesterday try to organize Kieran in his bed.  Kieran didn't want to have anything to do with it and his little arms just kept hitting both of them.  Now because his arms are so small neither one of them noticed what he was doing but I was standing back and had a front row seat.

His feisty attitude is what is going to help him get through this which I am happy for at the moment, but I sure hope he loses a little bit of it in the years to come if not this kid is going to give me a run for my money and I have a feeling I may not come out the winner in most cases.

A father's note...

Some of you may come across several acronyms as you follow along with this blog.   Here are some definitions of the more important ones:

CPAP - Air is put into the lungs in order to keep them slightly inflated at all times.  Preemie babies have very wet lungs and they find it very hard to overcome the suction effect of the water.   By keeping the lungs slightly inflated Kieran has to do 90% or the "easy" work while the machine does the other 10% or the "hard" work.

NIPPV - Is very similar to CPAP but it involves a push of air into the lungs much like a breath.  Usually this type of air assistance is set at a certain rate or "number of breaths" per minute.

Intubation - A tube is inserted directly into the lungs and breathes for the baby.

Cuddle time - This is when parent's get to cuddle / hold their baby outside of the incubator.

Oh yeah, one more word you will need to know:

Bagging - This is what happens when Kieran forgets to breathe and when simple stimulation  doesn't help him to remember to do so. It usually occurs when the red lights on the monitors are going off.  because his O2 level has fallen to below 60% saturation; that's a bad number by the way! At this point several NICU nurses have come running and dad looks worried and says quite loudly: "Umm... he's turning blue."  It's true when they say that once you become a father you are a father for life.  Immediately, you are responsible especially if you happen to be holding him for the first time and he turns blue!


"Typical boy!" says the nurse who by now has restored his skin color to a much healthier pink color.  "A girl wouldn't act like this.  He just wants attention."

Still a bit numb and with eyes wide open, a bit like a deer caught in headlights, I respond with:  "Put him back, I think you should put him back now!" (I wonder how many new parent's have had that same thought at some point?)

"Nonsense!" says the nurse, "He's fine now! If he turns blue again let me know and I'll fix him.  In the meantime sit and relax and enjoy the moment."

Yeah right! What's next I wonder?
 

Holding Kieran

So many things have changed since the last update.  Kieran has been on and off the ventilation a few times.  He is currently off and holding his own really well. The reasons for him going on and off of it are 1) when he is doing well for more than 12 hours they like to take him off the ventilation and have him try breathing again on his own.  That way he doesn't forget that he has to or how it feels to fill his lungs up.  2) due to his size he still needs a break after a while from breathing on his own.  When he is on ventilation he is resting, growing and gaining more weight.  Today is his second day of breathing on his own and he is still looking rested and he's definitely comfortable which are signs that he is getting closer to the time that he can stay off it.

Kieran has finally gotten his weight back up he is now over his birth weight at 730 grams.

Last but certainly not least I have finally been able to hold my son. In fact both Corin and I have held him twice each since last weekend.  Attached is a photo taken the first time I held Kieran in my arms.  For me that moment was truly... scary (bet you didn't expect me to say that!!)  Honestly, it was wonderful to hold him, touch him and finally give him a kiss which I have been wanting to do for so long.  Something just to let him know he is loved, wanted cherished and most importantly not alone.  All the things I was so worried he wouldn't know the longer it went without us holding or touching him. Everyone kept telling us that he knows we are there, he knows our voices and trust me I was clinging to that  belief with everything I had because if I didn't I would be a wreck worrying that my son didn't know who his mom is, or that he felt all alone in his fight to beat the odds and stay with us.  So when the moment arrived, and I was to hold him, I was petrified that I would hold him and he would cry or not be comfortable with me.   But as he lay on my chest and we settled into a nice cuddle the moment was perfect!  He was calm, I was calm, and it was as though life was truly exactly as it was meant to be.  That is one of the many lessons i am sure I will learn over this whole ordeal.  I don't know why but I do know that my pregnancy, delivery and now battle for my sons life is exactly as it should be.  We were meant to fight this fight.  Corin and I were meant to have this hurdle to jump, this battle to fight, this mountain to climb, whatever you want to call it, we were meant to face it together and we will win.  We will come out of this together as a family and it is meant to be our fight to win.  Our lesson to learn.  it's a tough lesson but a great one.  You realize what is truly important and what  isn't.  What you should give your attention to and what doesn't deserve your time.  How it's the small things, tiny moments in time that will be my fondest memories.  Like today when Kieran was sleeping and he kept throwing his arms up and wiggling his one foot like he was dancing to whatever he was hearing and having a great time at it.  That moment made Corin and I laugh so much, it was so cute and I will cherish it forever.  Moments like that make all the bad ones and all the fear disappear.  They make this all worth it. 

Kieran's strength, his determination and fight to live reminds me everyday that we all should be like that.  We all should want to fight to have a life that makes us happy.  The root of my happiness lies with two very important and very special men.  Corin and Kieran.  With them we will win this and many other things and we will cry, laugh and love along the way.  Just as it was meant to be!

Thank You to our friends and family

Thanks to everyone's best wishes Kieran is doing really well.  He did have to go back on the Ventilator which means he is having some help to breathe but it's because he is so tiny and he wiped himself out breathing on his own for 3 days.  It is really unusual for a baby born at just 25 weeks to be breathing by themselves.  We know we are extremely lucky for Kieran to be as healthy as he is.  So, as much as we would rather that he breath on his own, it's understandable that he would need a bit of help every now and then.   Also, a bonus with him using the ventilator is the fact that he isn't burning as many calories working so hard to keep breathing which means he is finally gaining weight instead of losing.  At the moment he weighs 599gms. his birth weight was 700gms.

We still haven't been able to hold our son yet but I was able to help with his handling the other day.  Which means I took his temperature, held his syringe for his feeding and changed his diaper.  Never did I think I would get excited about a dirty diaper, but I was!  It was nice to feel useful for a change.  Our goal is to hold him by the end of this week.  All fingers and toes are crossed in the hope that it will happen.

Again, thank you to everyone for your kind words and thoughts.  At a time like this it's the small things that make the biggest impact.  Knowing we have the support of so many friends and family members is a great comfort to us.  Every time we feel overwhelmed or isolated from everyone, all we have to do is read your emails, they help us to stay connected and to remind us that we are not alone. So even though I may not be able to respond individually to eveyone's email please know that they do not go unnoticed and they are very much appreciated.

Kieran's First Few Days

Here is the latest picture of Kieran. It's a little startling at first when you are not used to seeing a baby so small or hooked up to so many lines and machines. But this is the first picture we have that you are able to see his little face. The green thing in his mouth is a soother which he loves, and the hose that goes to his nose is sending constant air to his lungs to help keep them open so he doesn't have to work so hard when he breathes. Kieran is breathing on his own and it just helps to keep him from getting tired.

The picture was taken just after Kieran was holding onto his father's baby finger (see below). It sounds like such a small thing but when you haven't been able to hold your child yet being able to have them hold your finger is a big deal!!! Corin was over the moon and I was thrilled for him. He definitely loves his Daddy. Every time he hears Corin's voice his little heart monitor picks up a few beats, it's really neat to see that he knows who we are by the sound of our voices. It's amazing what they do hear when they are in your womb. When he hears Corin's voice he gets excited if he is upset and I speak you can see his heart slow down. It's truly is a blessing to see.