Sorry...

Sorry that we have not posted in a while. Life has been hectic... Kieran is doing well. He is a happy contented 2 1/2 year old who now finds himself in another country. That's right we have absconded with him to Australia. (More on that in the next post). Just as a a follow up to Kieran's journey... He managed to survive his time in the NICU unscathed, we were extremely lucky! We did have to "bunk" in at the hospital, a process by which the medical system determines that parents of premie babies are fit to care for their childen. Basically you sleep at the hospital at the beck and call of your baby and have to prove that he is gaining weight. Normally this process lasts 1 night and 1 day with most normal premies gaining weight. Not Kieran though, who consistently lost weight for the first two days. Finally on the third day he gained 2 grams and we were allowed to go home! Once home he thrived and gained more and more weight. Eventually learning to roll over, then crawl, and then finally walk. (I gloss over these major milestones in order to get us current.) Both Nicole and I have been very lucky and Kieran truly is our miracle baby, bring us both joy and happiness, many sleepless nights, and many proud moments. Parenthood we are learning is about give and take and about calm and storm. About 5 months ago I was offered the opportunity to travel to Perth Australia to help set up an office for my company. So now we have moved away from family and friends and life as we know it and find our selves settled in warmer climates. Kieran's journey it seems is to be a more global one than we originally thought!

Kieran Talks...

Seeing as Kieran has made his own rules from day one we thought it was time for us to let him speak for himself as well....

....it is after all our prerogative to decide things for him, at least for now!

This is what started it all, from this moment on, one look could tell us everything!!

 

That one event started the his long deliberations on whether he was impressed with his parental units...

 

 

"You really look like that, I may have to rethink!"

 

"You may look better with only one eye!"

 

"Oh no there's another one!"

"There's two of them?  And, they still put me in that bucket... and even took pictures!"

  

 "How many people in this world, and I end up with frick and frack."

"What are the chances...."

"I've got to relax."

"Nurse! I'd like to go back to my room now. Like Right now!"

A Story to be Grateful For

When I was younger I could never truly understand when I would hear my parents say "time goes by so quickly".  When I think back to my summer holidays as a child those 2 months we were off school felt like a lifetime.  So much could happen or change in that short period of time.  2 months was an eternity to me back then.

Now I truly understand that time does go by so quickly.  It's seems like just yesterday I was still pregnant wondering what the outcome of this ordeal was going to be.  Worrying whether or not our child would survive and if he did would he be healthy.  So many questions were running through my head at that time.  When the moment came to push Kieran into this world I remember looking at Corin with shear panic in my eyes worrying about what direction our lives were about to take.  Was the road going to be long and treacherous, short and sweet or an instant disaster.  No one could predict what was about to happen.  No nurse or doctor to tell us what to expect and the few who would hazard a guess suggested we prepare ourselves for the worst.

Six weeks later I can honestly tell you I am sitting here in amazement not just at our son's strength but at our good fortune.  As a nurse said to me yesterday, Kieran took the manual on premature babies and threw it out the window.  He came out swinging and has kept on ever since.  He was breathing on his own when he should have needed help, he by-passed the rocky road we were warned about and completely ignored the suggestion that he might not survive.  They worried that his eyesight might not be great and now I swear he isn't just seeing shapes or shadows but he is analyzing and absorbing all that is going on around him.

Kieran has broken the preemie mold and I am not only proud of him but I am also incredibly grateful for it.

Being in the NICU you are obviously surrounded with families who are all going through similar situations.  I have seen babies who are there for just a day and get to go home and I have seen ones who unfortunately never get that chance.  For everyday that has been a good day, I am thankful! In avoiding that rocky road, I sit in awe at our good fortune!

Don't get me wrong, we have had moments of fear.  Kieran's biggest hurdle has been and continues to be his breathing.  He still forgets every once in a while that he has to take a breath but that is mainly due to his size.  We did have several weeks where we had to worry about his survival but all of it has been because of his size not because of any major health issues.

Kieran's story could have been so different from the one I have been telling you about but it isn't and there will never be a day that goes by that I wont thank my lucky stars for that.

The pictures below (top) is from when he was first born the other (bottom) from 2 days ago.  He has changed and grown so much.

Oh where, oh where have my brain cells gone???

I vaguely remember someone telling me that when you have a baby you lose 50% of your brain cells.  I recall thinking that's impossible there's no way that could happen they must just be tired....well now I have proof and unfortunately the proof is from my own experience.

A few weekends ago we had to take our dog to the groomers.  I don't really drive a whole lot in Hamilton so Corin usually takes Molly to the groomers but this time I decided to go with him so I knew where to take her in the future.  So we dropped Molly off grabbed a coffee and headed home.  About an hour later Corin needed me to go to the store to pick up something for him.  Off I went and when I arrived home I noticed that Molly didn't greet me at the door which is really unusual.  So I started looking for her in the house, I was searching all the rooms calling her name and as the seconds went by my heart was racing more and more.  Then I ran to the front door thinking maybe she ran out after me and I didn't notice.  I went outside called her name, no Molly!!  I ran back into the house frantic thinking she must have taken off and I start calling for Corin.   It's about this time that Corin, who has heard me running back and forth,  finally realized that I have forgotten that we took the dog to the groomers.  So when I called out in panic "Molly is lost!" my husband who was hiding in the basement so I couldn't hit him when I realized how hard he was laughing at my obvious stupidity finally told me that she was at the groomers.

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry! How could I be that forgetful?  Molly had been gone less than 2 hours and at no point until Corin stopped me did my memory kick in to remind me of that, and the worst part is that it's not the first time and I am sure it wont be the last. I'm surprised I managed to finish writing this post without having to proof read it in order to remember what I was writing about.  I hope my brain cells return soon or else Kieran and I will be starting school together!!

Great things come in small packages

The one feature of Kieran's that everyone is interested in is his size.  The question that we often get is "exactly how small is a 1.5lb baby".  In response to that question we have taken a few pictures that will put into perspective Kieran's size.  In the pictures below you can see a metal band on Kieran's arm or leg.  That band is Corin's wedding band.  Even though I see Kieran everyday and I know his size I still find it shocking that a man's ring can easily slide on and off his arm or leg.  How can anyone be that small? How can a baby be that small and still everything works just like a term size baby.  He's like the barbie dolls we used to play dress-up with when I was a child.

Better yet how does a baby that small have such attitude?  For that is one thing that Kieran does have is attitude.  Even though he can't verbally tell you what he is thinking or feeling he expresses it with his hands and eyes.  He lets the nurses know when he has had enough or when he wants them to come and keep him company.  When he's fed up with the poking and prodding he gets feisty and I don't mean crying like you would expect him to do.  He starts wrinkling his forehead to express he is upset then his hands start.  He'll put one hand on his hose to pull it out while he swats with the other hand to keep the nurse away.  It was so funny to watch Corin and Kieran's nurse yesterday try to organize Kieran in his bed.  Kieran didn't want to have anything to do with it and his little arms just kept hitting both of them.  Now because his arms are so small neither one of them noticed what he was doing but I was standing back and had a front row seat.

His feisty attitude is what is going to help him get through this which I am happy for at the moment, but I sure hope he loses a little bit of it in the years to come if not this kid is going to give me a run for my money and I have a feeling I may not come out the winner in most cases.

A father's note...

Some of you may come across several acronyms as you follow along with this blog.   Here are some definitions of the more important ones:

CPAP - Air is put into the lungs in order to keep them slightly inflated at all times.  Preemie babies have very wet lungs and they find it very hard to overcome the suction effect of the water.   By keeping the lungs slightly inflated Kieran has to do 90% or the "easy" work while the machine does the other 10% or the "hard" work.

NIPPV - Is very similar to CPAP but it involves a push of air into the lungs much like a breath.  Usually this type of air assistance is set at a certain rate or "number of breaths" per minute.

Intubation - A tube is inserted directly into the lungs and breathes for the baby.

Cuddle time - This is when parent's get to cuddle / hold their baby outside of the incubator.

Oh yeah, one more word you will need to know:

Bagging - This is what happens when Kieran forgets to breathe and when simple stimulation  doesn't help him to remember to do so. It usually occurs when the red lights on the monitors are going off.  because his O2 level has fallen to below 60% saturation; that's a bad number by the way! At this point several NICU nurses have come running and dad looks worried and says quite loudly: "Umm... he's turning blue."  It's true when they say that once you become a father you are a father for life.  Immediately, you are responsible especially if you happen to be holding him for the first time and he turns blue!


"Typical boy!" says the nurse who by now has restored his skin color to a much healthier pink color.  "A girl wouldn't act like this.  He just wants attention."

Still a bit numb and with eyes wide open, a bit like a deer caught in headlights, I respond with:  "Put him back, I think you should put him back now!" (I wonder how many new parent's have had that same thought at some point?)

"Nonsense!" says the nurse, "He's fine now! If he turns blue again let me know and I'll fix him.  In the meantime sit and relax and enjoy the moment."

Yeah right! What's next I wonder?
 

Holding Kieran

So many things have changed since the last update.  Kieran has been on and off the ventilation a few times.  He is currently off and holding his own really well. The reasons for him going on and off of it are 1) when he is doing well for more than 12 hours they like to take him off the ventilation and have him try breathing again on his own.  That way he doesn't forget that he has to or how it feels to fill his lungs up.  2) due to his size he still needs a break after a while from breathing on his own.  When he is on ventilation he is resting, growing and gaining more weight.  Today is his second day of breathing on his own and he is still looking rested and he's definitely comfortable which are signs that he is getting closer to the time that he can stay off it.

Kieran has finally gotten his weight back up he is now over his birth weight at 730 grams.

Last but certainly not least I have finally been able to hold my son. In fact both Corin and I have held him twice each since last weekend.  Attached is a photo taken the first time I held Kieran in my arms.  For me that moment was truly... scary (bet you didn't expect me to say that!!)  Honestly, it was wonderful to hold him, touch him and finally give him a kiss which I have been wanting to do for so long.  Something just to let him know he is loved, wanted cherished and most importantly not alone.  All the things I was so worried he wouldn't know the longer it went without us holding or touching him. Everyone kept telling us that he knows we are there, he knows our voices and trust me I was clinging to that  belief with everything I had because if I didn't I would be a wreck worrying that my son didn't know who his mom is, or that he felt all alone in his fight to beat the odds and stay with us.  So when the moment arrived, and I was to hold him, I was petrified that I would hold him and he would cry or not be comfortable with me.   But as he lay on my chest and we settled into a nice cuddle the moment was perfect!  He was calm, I was calm, and it was as though life was truly exactly as it was meant to be.  That is one of the many lessons i am sure I will learn over this whole ordeal.  I don't know why but I do know that my pregnancy, delivery and now battle for my sons life is exactly as it should be.  We were meant to fight this fight.  Corin and I were meant to have this hurdle to jump, this battle to fight, this mountain to climb, whatever you want to call it, we were meant to face it together and we will win.  We will come out of this together as a family and it is meant to be our fight to win.  Our lesson to learn.  it's a tough lesson but a great one.  You realize what is truly important and what  isn't.  What you should give your attention to and what doesn't deserve your time.  How it's the small things, tiny moments in time that will be my fondest memories.  Like today when Kieran was sleeping and he kept throwing his arms up and wiggling his one foot like he was dancing to whatever he was hearing and having a great time at it.  That moment made Corin and I laugh so much, it was so cute and I will cherish it forever.  Moments like that make all the bad ones and all the fear disappear.  They make this all worth it. 

Kieran's strength, his determination and fight to live reminds me everyday that we all should be like that.  We all should want to fight to have a life that makes us happy.  The root of my happiness lies with two very important and very special men.  Corin and Kieran.  With them we will win this and many other things and we will cry, laugh and love along the way.  Just as it was meant to be!